Originally posted to Facebook
The following is me opening up about myself and my struggles. I also do not expect anyone to read or react to this at all. But, if you would like to, you have a chance to get a deeper look into who I am and get to know me. I apologize if it is sloppy and/or grammatically wrong at points. I was not an English major. I am fine right now, but if you feel so inclined you may message me to confirm. More importantly though, if you relate to any of this, I welcome you to message me and maybe we can talk. If not, please find someone that you can feel comfortable talking to. Silence is not security.
Hi...my name is Dan.
You ever wake up and go through a day like normal, but at the end of that day, you start thinking to yourself "What the fuck? Nothing I did, acted, or thought about today was anything like the "usual" me"? Furthermore, you have that experience again the next day and the day after that. You start questioning yourself asking "who and what kind of person am I? Is the person I thought I always was not the real me?" Well, I can say that has been my experience over these last few weeks. What is weird to me though, is that I would not say it had been a negative experience at that time. I've been going through drastic waves of ups and downs lately, but I think I have been learning a lot about myself. Without going into why I hit a really low point a little under a month ago. A lot of thoughts were going through my head; good, bad and worse.
At first, when it all hit, I had a great distraction soon to come in the crowds of people at a Convention I would be at in downtown. But of course, that only could last for a few days. After that, I knew I would be back to being a depressed piece of shit at home again without the energy or desire to really do anything just like the days leading up to the convention. Yet somehow, this would not be the case. I found myself overjoyed to just be around a bunch of other nerds, not to be used negatively, that shared my interests and hobbies. On top of that, I had a few amazing friends there that unknowingly helped keep my mind more positive through the weekend. Sure there were definitely moments when I faded back into my dark place and be blank for a bit throughout it, but I would always be pulled back to my present reality due to all the noise and excitement around me at the time.
In particular, there was one person, I will just call them "Q", that I randomly chatted with for only a short time. We ended up talking more later through social media. At first, we just talked about our known mutual interest, but other topics eventually came up. I do not fully understand why but after only a few days of chatting, "Q" had me openly talking about things that I am fairly certain I had not openly talked about with anyone up to that point. We exchanged messages for days just sharing our problems with each other. Eventually finding that we shared the pain in some areas and could relate to those problems. I had a sense of comfort for the first time in just talking. Even about things that I always told myself I wouldn't tell anyone as I never wanted to burden anyone with my own problems and pain. But, this whole experience was new to me, and it felt...nice. I felt like I had relief of built up pressure in my mind just by talking to someone, a person I really did not know anything about even. “Q” was essentially a stranger. I do not think “Q” realizes it, but they helped open my eyes to some things that I never really thought about much before. While I am not entirely sure, I think that the last time I was truly happy and did not care about others perception of me was my years in Middle School. I was able to just be a kid back then. I had a bunch of different friends that I knew I really liked and enjoyed being around. I had people I would call on just to talk about whatever. I was carefree. But then, High School came around.
I do not know if “Q” will read this, but if they do, I want to let them know that I really value what they did for me. They will never know how much it means to me that they took time out of their busy life to just simply talk to a stranger. They unknowingly helped push me to work towards finding the person I am. And I feel like I owe them a great amount of gratitude. So thank you very much “Q”.
Things changed pretty quick going into High School and through College. Looking back on it, they were not an easy time for me. I experienced a bunch of friendship turnover, as well as all the drama and stress, caused me to lose or close myself off to many people. Some I was left in the dark and no longer felt welcome in the places I thought I once was. I began isolating myself because I no longer saw the reason for placing myself around others. I stopped doing things I once loved such as playing basketball. I began staying in to be alone. All this time though, I put on a false facade. An illusion that I was okay whenever I was around people. I got really good at hiding my real self from the world. I became of master of bottling my feelings and suppressing my emotions whenever I wanted. I did not talk to anyone about any problems I was experiencing. Only a select few people over the last 10 years ever got a chance to get to know the real me.
April 3rd, 2019 I went to my new doctor to get medications for my anxiety and depression. I have never been someone that felt like I needed medications or really even believed they would help. In fact, I have had them before for a short period and do not recall them helping much at all. But damn was I wrong this time around. I have been feeling such a difference in myself since they really kicked in about a week ago. I feel carefree again. Currently, I do not care about how anyone may perceive me. I’ve been talking to some of my closest friends to really fill them in on my real life and who I am. I’ve been telling them about my pain and problems. What things I have been going through over the years. I am allowing them to get to know the real me. What saddens me about this, is even though I’ve considered these people to be my closest friend for a while now, I never felt comfortable talking to them about this stuff.
Now I know historically I really do not post much. Which just goes with how I never wanted to burden others. But going forward I want to try and be more open with others in person and on social media. I've learned that it doesn't really matter what others think of me. I hope that this transparency can help lead to stronger relationships with those I know currently, and those I will meet and get to know in the future. I’ve always been someone that puts the time of others before my own. I have always tried to manipulate my life to make plans work because honestly, I don’t think I value myself enough to make others change for me. And I will probably continue to do this as I cannot just change that. It is going to take time for me to get to know and value myself again. To really work towards this though, I need to accept who I am. I need to acknowledge what I have to give, but I also need to acknowledge my fears as well. I’ve always had a fear of disappointment, a fear of failure, and more recently a fear the day I lose someone I love to death. My father's cancer, which he is recovering from, has reminded me that I personally do not feel as though I have lost someone I care about due to death. I have lost people, but I am sorry to say that I was either too young or distant to truly love and feel the pain for them. I hope that I will have others around that love and care about me when that day of pain does come, yet I deeply fear for how I may react or behave. For now, my life is still going, there is time for me to fix and change things in it. Things may not always turn out positive, but hopefully, I will be able to say I tried.
If you’re still reading this, please know that I really appreciate you taking the time. Mental health is not something that should be locked away inside. It is not something that is easy to talk about. Hell, I spent hours typing this message out without reworking any of it. Everything I’ve said is true thoughts from my heart and mind uncensored. I hope this may have helped you in some way. I know it has helped me a lot talking about all this on here as well as to friends. Silence is not security from one’s self. We can do just as much, if not more, harm to ourselves by ignoring it.
Lately, I’ve been working on reaching out to some people from my life’s past to apologize for things, or in some cases to gain closure. I forgive anyone that thinks that they may have harmed me at some point. I do not blame anyone for my struggles. I am also open to rebuilding any friendship that may have faded over the years. If those individuals mutually share that desire, please feel free to message me and maybe we can catch up. Life is a wild ride. We all experience some bumps and turns along the way. But, I am still young. I hope this is the big drop at the start of my life coaster and I can enjoy it from here on out. I hope some of you choose to share the ride with me. I treasure you all.
My song of the day: Wounds by Kid Cudi
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aJ2xmH0SwTE